Pretty dresses are pretty; and stepping back a little

So, even though I dress like a slob ordinarily, I love '50s-style vintagey dresses. I think they look fantastic and, as an added bonus, they actually flatter my figure (unlike some of the other styles I like *sniff*). After a couple of hours looking at what's currently mainstream-fashionable, I feel like a complete freak because I am totally the wrong shape to wear any of it. I'm not particularly large, just... not a fashionable shape. It's a battle just finding jeans to fit. Time spent trying on retro clothes, on the other hand, makes me feel great, because they suit me. Even if I don't end up buying anything, it's still fun.

Today I had to go into town to buy some things, and I ended up in one of my favourite shops, which sells lots of goth and vintage-style clothes. I was NOT in town to buy clothes for myself, but one of the dresses (from this company) just called out to me. Eventually I struggled free, though, and my wallet and I are now safely at home. I can't really spare the money right now, and it's not like I even go out much, so I wouldn't get a lot of wear out of another glam dress. Le sigh.

More than that, though, there's the whole possible future pregnancy thing. I could be pregnant just a few months from now... or not. If I do get pregnant, I could start getting bigger right away... or not. It's one thing trying to shop for the size and shape I am now, but it's completely surreal not knowing if/when I'm going to start gaining large amounts of weight. I mean, don't get me wrong; I'm hoping I will be getting pretty huge in a year's time. It's just that I'm used to staying basically the same shape over time; and it's very odd having no idea how long your body is going to keep looking the way it does, and when it's suddenly going to start growing in new and interesting directions.

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I've also been hanging around the bookshops. I already have one book about pre-conception planning, which is a pretty good one, but I'd been feeling like I should cover my bases and buy some more in case I was missing out on anything. I've ordered What To Expect Before You're Expecting from Amazon, although it won't arrive for a good while, and I was going to get Taking Charge of Your Fertility, because I've had it recommended to me about ten billion times.

I'm now starting to feel like maybe this isn't the best idea. I'm as broody as I ever was, and Project Baby is still on track -- but I want to change my approach. I'm a worrier, and I have a bit of a tendency to obsess over things, and I could probably drive myself quite crazy researching every angle of this whole fertility thing. And if there are problems, I probably will. But I know the basics, and I think it's best if I try not to overthink it for now. I'm still going to try and be healthy, and I'll still be updating here and following other people's blogs, but I'm maybe going to cut back on the obsessive reading of fertility websites and forums, and I'm not getting any more books for now. For the first few months of trying, at least, I don't want to be too rigid and scientific about the whole thing, because I don't think that will be psychologically healthy for me. No more research, no thermometers, no charting beyond what I do normally, no OPKs. There will be lots of time for all of that if it turns out to be necessary, but for now, I just want to ease up a bit and try to enjoy this journey more.

Planning . . .

Funny how the baby-making plans tend to affect so many areas of life. And funny how many times a day I'm discussing something with friends or family, and have to bite my tongue before I mention how it affects Project Baby.

I just got a swine flu shot because I have very mild asthma. My mother was surprised that I was so keen to get it; I told her that I just really don't want the flu. But I also feel excited to have one tiny bit of baby preparation out of the way well in advance: if I can get vaccinated now, I don't need to worry about catching it when I'm pregnant.

We've found out that, due to some planned building work, we'll need to move out of our apartment at some point in the next year -- nobody knows when, exactly. It's not the end of the world, though. Much as we love this place, we were always going to have to leave anyway: it's up a lot of stairs, and there's no lift, and no way you could get a pram up and down several times a day, and the landlady, while lovely, isn't keen on babies. A lot depends on the timing, but chances are that when we look for our next home, we'll be looking for somewhere rather more family-friendly.

On a rather more superficial note, Don is going on his stag trip soon, and his friends have decided they should all get their suits for the wedding while they're away. Thing is, he's hoping to lose some weight in the next few months, seeing as excess weight isn't particularly good for fertility. So, the suit may need to be resized before the wedding -- which hopefully won't be too much of a problem.

Meanwhile, I'm having the opposite issue: I'm planning on making myself a sweater, and have been having sizing issues because I'm hoping to get bigger. The pattern doesn't include my actual size, so I can make it a little bit too small, or somewhat too large. Ordinarily I'd go for too small, as I like clingy tops, but... depending how long the sweater takes to finish, I could (fingers crossed) be pregnant just a couple of months later (!). Which means it wouldn't fit for very long. And, fast-forwarding to the hazily imagined postpartum future, I'm still going to be bigger than I am now, for a while at least; maybe forever. It feels very weird to be actually planning around this now, but thinking about it, it actually makes sense. I don't want to make this to fit pre-pregnant me, and then get pregnant and find I can't fit into it again until 2012. So... the bigger size it is.

(Squee?)