Thursday, December 17, 2009

Staying cautiously optimistic

We've been operating under the assumption that everything will basically go OK; that it will take a couple of months to get pregnant, and then I'll stay pregnant for nine months, and have a healthy baby, and we'll all live happily ever after.

I know that none of this is guaranteed.

I know that not everyone gets pregnant easily. Not everyone gets pregnant, ever. Not everyone stays pregnant long enough. Not every baby is healthy. And maybe it's tempting fate to assume that it will all be fine.

And yet... even though I'm a constant worrier, I can't really bring myself to worry about this. Not yet. I can worry about what to eat during the pre-conception period, I imagine I will worry endlessly about everything once I'm actually pregnant, and I come from a long line of chronically worried parents, so in the back of my mind I envisage motherhood as one long freak-out that will only end when I finally keel over from stress. But I can't seem to get going, properly, at worrying about fertility per se.

Part of it is because I know that we're both young and both healthy, and my family history in this regard is extremely good, and the odds are that things will be fine. Part of it is because there are just so many things that could go wrong: my mind tries to run through all of them, and then it gives up. I've found the Holy Grail of worry: something so scary that I can't worry about it. And part of it is because I so desperately want this, and furthermore I want to enjoy this; I will worry if and when I have to, but in the meantime I want to believe that it will be OK, and just enjoy this whole process as long as possible.

So I suppose what I'm doing isn't assuming that all will be well. I'm choosing to believe it, which is not the same thing. I will give up on this belief if there's evidence to the contrary, but I'm going to cling to it as long as I can.


Honey B. said...

I know what you mean! I refuse to read the difficulty getting pregnant things right now, because I know that will put me into a worrier tailspin! I need to focus on things I can control. But easier said than done!

Betty said...

It certainly is! :)